Let’s take a closer look at anger and its many other forms.
Anger is the emotion most often labeled, expressed and identified with. However, underneath the anger are other emotions such as frustration, embarrassment, worry, fear and sadness that come out and display as anger but are the primary emotion driving the angry reactions. Although it is a secondary emotion, anger is often considered to be the more ‘acceptable’ emotion and tends to be expressed and experienced in place of primary emotions.
Let’s look at some examples
OMAR
Omar went to school angry this morning. Prior to getting on the bus he had run back home to grab his brother’s headphones. His brother became upset as Omar had not asked to use them and he grabbed them from Omar telling him that he was not allowed to use them because he didn’t ask. Mom got involved because she did not want Omar to miss his bus. She agreed with Omar’s brother that he should ask. Omar asked his brother who still said ‘no’ because Omar didn’t ask the first time. Mom informs Omar that he must accept his brother’s choice and he should remember to ask next time.
Omar shouted at his mother and brother and began to cry. In anger, he told them that it isn’t fair because his brother takes his things without asking and next time he will not listen to his mom because she is mean.
Scroll over the box below to read the answer.
Although Omar was acting angry, what might his primary emotions actually have been?
Frustrated, Disappointed, feeling unfairly treated
Ken (Dad)
Scroll over the box below to read the answer.
Although Dad was acting angry, what might his primary emotions might have actually been?
Worry, fear, anxiety
The Many Faces of Anger Activity
Click on all the words that you think fit “Primary” emotions (your results will be below the blue box)
Click on all the words that you think fit “Secondary” emotions (your results will be below the orange box)
Where Do Our Emotions Come From?
Our emotions come from somewhere. How is that two people can be in the exact same situation but perceive it entirely differently and produce different emotions and reactions? Two children can be in the same room with the same dog and yet feel and react entirely different. One child may be terrified of it and start to cry and possibly hide; the other child may fearlessly walk up to it and pat it. Two brothers can grow up in the same busy, happy home yet one may look back on their childhood and feel that it was too loud and busy for him while the other may feel he it was stimulating and fun. Everyone’s experience of their emotions is unique to themselves but where do the feelings about the experience come from in the first place?
Each of us has a set of beliefs and values which begin in childhood and continue to develop during our lifetime. We also each have a unique personality which, combined with our beliefs and values feeds into how we process our feelings about a situation and then how we react to it.
Our Beliefs & Values
Our Emotions
Our Personality
feeds into
Our emotions
and
Our Actions and Reactions
*We will be exploring personality traits later on in this course.
Our beliefs and values based on our personality, as well as how we process things in any given situation, will lead us to our emotions. The challenge is that these beliefs and sometimes even values are subconscious for the most part and have become such a large part of who we are that we almost respond instantly.
So, although we cannot always control the way we feel, we can control our perceptions of events by the beliefs we hold. The key is to be aware of the beliefs that we hold and take the time to process them so that we can better manage anger and other emotions. When you are aware of your beliefs, you can now choose them and gradually change your beliefs, which will in turn change your emotions and actions.
Many of our values and beliefs or world views have been passed on from our caregivers/parents. How we were parented impacts how we make decisions and how we parent our children.
Values & Beliefs Workbook Activity
What are your values and beliefs? How were they formed? Take a few minutes to complete this reflective writing activity as it will help you understand where your feelings stem from. The rest of the course will introduce you to the strategies that can help you cope with anger both in yourself and your child.
Values
Take a few minutes now to explore your values and then answer the questions. We’ve listed some values to get you started, but there are many others not listed.
The idea is not to try to implement all the values into your life but to try to identify the ones most important to you.
What is important to you in your current family? What was important to your parent’s (and your partner’s family) when you were growing up? Your grandparents? What values do you carry over? Which ones have you rejected?
Beliefs
Describe your personal beliefs about emotions in general. Do you feel they are good, bad, neutral or does it depend on the situation? Where do your beliefs about emotions come from? Do you have a childhood memory specific to a certain emotion? Did a specific event (either in childhood or later in life) lead you to a certain belief?
What are your beliefs about anger? Do you believe that anger is bad and you are a bad person when you feel angry? Do you believe that anger should be acted upon or that you should supress it?
What are your beliefs about your biological family? Do you believe that families can have disagreements without ruining their relationships? Do you believe that families fight and argue and always come back together? Your current family? Do you believe that your family handles anger/disagreements well? Do you feel that all family members should have a voice in their home? Your children? Do you believe that children should make their own choices where appropriate? Your primary relationships? Do you spend time nurturing your key relationships? Do you feel worthy of them? Your work and co-workers? Do you get along well with co-workers? Do they agitate you when they challenge you?
What beliefs do you think your children are forming about emotions in general? Do you think your children feel like all emotions are ok? Do you think your children try to hide their emotions from you? About anger and being angry? Do you think your children know how to handle their anger in positive ways? About how you handle your anger? Do you think your children think you handle your anger well? Are your children afraid to tell you anything for fear you may take their anger out on you? About their relationship with you? Do you think you children value their time with you? Do you think your children feel safe in openly communicating their feelings to you? Their siblings? Do you think your children compete with their siblings? Do you think they are identifying themselves as individuals outside of their siblings? School and their peers? Do you think that your children have healthy relationships at school? Do you trust your children to handle difficult situations at school?
Do you see beliefs that your children hold (and perhaps resulting actions and reactions) that you wish weren’t there? Do you value honesty in peers while your children value fun? Do your children choose friends that you would not agree with because they value quantity of friends and you value quality?
ANGER TIP
*Traits that are important to us tend to be passed down to our children NOT by us telling them how to behave around those values but by us modelling how to behave.